In the past few weeks, the topic of avoiding conflict has come up more than once with people I coach or advise. Different people. Different contexts. Same theme. I am taking this as a sign to write about it—for myself, for those I work with, and especially for my kids one day.
This is one of the reasons I started blogging again: to leave something behind. Thoughts, experiences, and lessons that might matter more down the road for those I love than they do today.
The Cost of Avoiding Conflict
Imagine you are driving. Clear day. Windows down. Music on. Then suddenly, up ahead, you see a portion of the road is gone. Not just rough or riddled with potholes. Gone. Washed out. Impassable. You do what anyone sane would do: you stop. You reroute. You avoid the damage.
But that is not how most people handle conflict.
Instead of rerouting, they drive straight into the wreckage. They plow forward, pretending the road is fine. They puncture three tires in the process. Then, for reasons that defy logic, they keep driving. On the flat tires. As if nothing happened.
The ride gets bumpier. The heat from the friction builds. The wheels begin to bend and shred. Eventually, they risk the entire vehicle and still say, “Everything is fine.”
This is not accident avoidance. It is accident ignorance.
The same thing happens with interpersonal conflict. A hard conversation. A growing tension. A festering misunderstanding. We pretend it is not there. But it is. We tell ourselves we are avoiding it. We are not. We are just ignoring the wreckage while taking more damage every mile.
Avoiding conflict feels good in the short term. It feels safe. It is quiet. It requires nothing of us but silence. It feels like the threat is gone. But like driving on flat tires, the damage compounds beneath the surface.
The truth is, conflict is not the enemy. Conflict can be a gift.
Research confirms this. In fact, conflict—handled with care, honesty, and respect—often strengthens relationships. It clarifies boundaries. It builds trust. It shows that two people are willing to go through something hard together rather than drive around it alone. As Psychology Today put it, “Conflict avoidance doesn’t work. In the long run, it damages relationships rather than saving them.”
The opposite of avoidance is not aggression. It is presence. It is naming the tension, not fueling it. It is stopping the car, getting out, and saying, “This part of the road is broken. Let us fix it. Or, if we cannot fix it now, let us at least find a better way forward together.”
Avoidance feels like peace. But it is not peace. It is delay. Real peace takes courage. And relationships—like road trips—require maintenance. Better to stop and change the tires now than lose the whole car later.
When to Engage with Conflict
Not all conflicts require immediate attention. Like a skilled driver, you need to assess which road hazards demand action and which can be safely navigated around. Ask yourself:
- Is this issue affecting core values or needs?
- Is the relationship important enough to warrant the discomfort? This is a critical question. Walking away is always an option when the relationship does not merit the energy. Not every road leads somewhere worth traveling. In fact, what we are too often avoiding is the realization that this relationship is not beneficial.
- Will ignoring it cause more damage over time?
If you answered yes to any of these, it is time to pull over and address the situation.
How to Navigate Conflict Constructively
Approaching conflict with intention transforms it from a dreaded encounter into an opportunity for growth. Here is how to begin:
- Create safety first. Choose a neutral time and place. Begin with genuine curiosity rather than accusations. “I have noticed something that has been bothering me, and I would like to understand your perspective,” opens more doors than “You always…”
- Listen before speaking. Most conflicts escalate because each person is too busy formulating their defense to truly hear the other. Make understanding their view your first priority.
- Assume context, not character. Before deciding someone is selfish, lazy, or inconsiderate, ask what else might be happening in their world. As Esther Perel often says, “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives,” and that quality begins with how generously we interpret each other’s behavior. Give the benefit of context before assigning flaws in character.
- Focus on the road ahead, not the crash behind. Rather than dwelling exclusively on what went wrong, collaborate on solutions. “How can we prevent this misunderstanding in the future?” moves the conversation forward.
The key insight in healthy conflict resolution is not about winning the argument. It is about strengthening the relationship. Just as a good mechanic does not blame the car for getting a flat tire, effective communicators do not vilify others for human misunderstandings.
I have had to live this recently. In the early years of building a company, I often let fear guide me—not fear for myself, but fear of failing those depending on me and the impact to their lives. That fear came across as coldness, uncaring, and ruthless. A few kind people have since reached out to share their experience of me. I could have ignored the conversations and justified my actions. Instead, I listened and engaged. And I am grateful for their courage and the opportunity to learn, grow, and improve.
In the end, navigating conflict well is not just about fixing the immediate problem. It is about building better roads together for all the journeys yet to come.